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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24397993">i'm in love and it's a crying shame</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/deluxemycroft/pseuds/deluxemycroft'>deluxemycroft</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5+1 Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Incest, Infinity Gauntlet, Infinity Gems, Insecurity, Internalized racism, Jotunn Loki (Marvel), M/M, infinity war fix-it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:49:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,502</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24397993</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/deluxemycroft/pseuds/deluxemycroft</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times Loki realizes he is in love with his brother, and 1 time Thor realizes the same.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Loki/Thor (Marvel)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>214</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i'm in love and it's a crying shame</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>heyo</p><p>this was meant for the thorki big bang but it's not long enough, so i figured i'd post it and i'll write somethin else. enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>1.</b>
</p><p>They are young, the first time. Young even by Aesir reckoning; only 100 or so. But even young, the differences between them are clear—Thor is the sun, and Loki is the cloud that cloaks him. Everyone loves Thor, even as they are still coming into themselves, and Loki loves him also. He had thought it was with the idolization of a younger brother, but it is when Thor rushes into his rooms one night, awash with the tale of his first hunt, even though he is far too young for it, and he is still blood-splattered and he <i>stinks</i>, that is when Loki looks upon him with a gaze that does not belong on a brother.</p><p>He pushes it away, of course. He does not let himself think on how Thor’s body broadens as they age, as he grows impossibly more muscular—Aesir are broad, and they are strong, but Thor has always been <i>more</i>—and his hair is long and the color of the sun and his eyes are filled with blue fire and Loki knows he should not look at him the way he does. But again, how can he not look at Thor? Everyone else does; what is so wrong with Loki that he wants to look also? Thor has always been the best of them and Loki does not even come close.</p><p>There has always been something wrong with him. This is only more proof of it.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>2.</b>
</p><p>Then it comes in waves. Loki will realize his eyes are too sharp, linger too long on the breadth of Thor’s shoulders, will force himself to look away, but Thor is magnetic, always dragging his gaze back. And Thor loves the attention, welcomes it, even if it comes from his brother. His <i>brother.</i></p><p>He and Loki often go hunting in the woods. Thor carries a battle axe, Jarnbjorn, and Loki once picked it up but even as he is strong also, it is so <i>heavy</i>, but Thor wields it as if it weighs no more than the wooden practice swords they used as children. Loki carries daggers and a long spear that he has never gotten around to naming; Thor has a habit of stealing other’s weapons and accidentally breaking them, which has caused Loki to not become particularly attached to any one of them. </p><p>It is almost painful for Loki to have the whole of Thor’s attention on him. Thor has always been so very much and Loki tends to run when he feels as if someone can look close enough to find that there is something not quite right about him, something mean and evil lurking beneath his skin. He does not know what is different about him, only that he is skilled in seidr and has always been too thin and narrow and never quite <i>right</i>, but he does not want anyone close enough to find out. He does not even want to find out himself.</p><p>Loki tries to push him away, but Thor is a mountain and cannot be pushed. It is something of a relief when Thor always comes back to him, even when Loki spits out cruelty and hate. Thor always looks hurt and like he wasn’t expecting it, but when he comes back, Loki cannot bring himself to apologize but tries to make it up to him in other small ways. Such as going on a hunt with him. Loki does not mind hunting, never has, but he does enjoy it when it is him and Thor. Mostly because Thor does the killing and the field dressing and sets up camp for them and cooks the meat and it makes Loki feel...cared for. He enjoys the feeling, as anyone would, but most especially when it comes from Thor.</p><p>Thor is singing some off-beat, barely remembered battle song as they walk through the woods, sunlight catching on his hair and the breadth of his shoulders and the axe propped up on his shoulder, and Loki wonders if he could ever tell him, what Thor would even say. He enjoys the bit of himself that hurts when he thinks that Thor would react meanly, that Thor would hit him even, that Thor would shove him down and spit on him in disgust, but his brother, at his core, is kind. He thinks Thor would let him down gently, would ask him if he has done anything to make Loki misinterpret his actions, that Thor would hug him and tell him he loves him as well, but only as one brother loves another. That hurts more, almost.</p><p>He’s lost in a daydream about watching Thor kiss a stranger that looks like Loki when Thor jerks to a stop in front of him and Loki nearly runs into his back.</p><p>“What is it?” Loki hisses, freezing as well when he sees what Thor spies. A goat. An old one, by the horns, and Loki has a sudden image of those horns on the mantle over the fire in his bedroom. They could feast for a week on the meat, make blankets out of the long, tangled wool, sleep under the beast’s hide… “Kill it,” he tells Thor, who is stiff and still as a statue, but he is pressed up against Thor’s back, eyes and nose poking over his shoulder, and he can feel the way Thor’s shoulders push back at his words and see the very, very slight nod of his chin.</p><p>The goat sees them, turns towards them, snorts and lowers its horns. Thor’s hand tightens on his axe and he tells Loki to move, and Loki melts back into the shadows as Thor leaps. The sun seems to follow his ascent through the air, a roaring snarl on his face, axe held high in the air, and the goat charges, springing up into the air, but Thor is faster, and brings his axe down.</p><p>The fight is anticlimactic, but the goat is felled quickly. It was old and mean, but Thor is younger and stronger and faster, and he manages to cleave off it’s head with the mightiest swing Loki has ever seen. Thor stands next to the corpse, bleeding out into the dirt, chest heaving, splattered with gore, and he is smiling, and his smile is directed at Loki.</p><p>“Hungry?” Thor laughs, and Loki smiles at him, feels like the ground beneath him has just tilted, but he steps out of the shadows and walks to his brother.</p><p>How can he not love him? How can Thor not take the highest honor in Loki’s dark heart? How can Loki, when faced with Thor and all his strength, be anything other than weak?</p><p>Thor heaves the massive carcass up over his shoulders after draining it of blood and removing it’s various entrails and putting them in small piles for the various creatures of the forest, and takes Jarnbjorn in one hand and the huge goat head in the other. “Come, brother,” he calls. “Follow me, for I will find us a place to camp for the night, and you will fill your belly with food, and perhaps you will finally gain some muscle!” Thor laughs at that, and Loki follows, because his body feels as if it is always turned towards Thor, like a flower to the sun, and he could not turn away from Thor if his life depended on it.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>3.</b>
</p><p>The Dwarves of Nidavellir create few weapons each year, and fewer even that pass the muster of Odin’s high standards. There are perhaps only a few weapons every decade that Odin deems good enough for the house of Odin, and when Mjolnir is brought in, Loki’s eyes are drawn to it immediately. A hammer is not his style, not at all, but something about it calls to him.</p><p>When it leaps into Thor’s hand and his strong fingers wrap around the shaft like they have always belonged there, and when the thunder answers Thor’s call, Loki understands.</p><p>Thor will always call for him. It seems that it is up to Loki to answer.</p><p>He does not receive a weapon; perhaps the Dwarves meant for one of them to be his, but Odin does not gift him with one. Instead, he throws a party in Thor’s honor, a grand feast, a celebration, and Loki rots in the dark, thinking about what Thor’s hands would look like if they wrapped around his own.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>4.</b>
</p><p>It is when Loki realizes the truth that he also learns that it is his own doing that Thor will never love him. He looks at himself in the mirror and sees the monster underneath, knows that for all Thor claims him brother now, he will cast him aside and hunt him down if he knows the truth.</p><p>He wonders in a fit if he had somehow done this to himself, if his unbrotherly feelings towards Thor somehow twisted him up inside and created him into something monstrous, but he knows the truth. He knows that it is <i>him</i> who is the monster, not something that has been done to him, and he knows the beast inside him is why he feels this way. Of course a monster would love his own brother. Of course a monster would lust. Of course a monster would think about his brother’s cock and fantasize about his brother’s mouth and of course a monster would hate himself as much as Loki does.</p><p>Of course, of course, of course.</p><p>The false skin only flees when he touches the Casket, but Loki is smarter than Odin gives him credit for, and he soon learns where the seams are, how to slip his fingers underneath them, how to pull it back and stare at the blue underneath. He nearly screams when he sees it the first time, stumbles back, breath coming in quick, harsh bursts, and so much hate fills him that he wants to cut his arm off so he will never have to see it again.</p><p>How can Thor claim to love him when he is a beast underneath?</p><p>He will hunt him down and slay him.</p><p>But for all his weaknesses, Loki still has his strength, and he knows what he will do.</p><p>He thinks, for perhaps a moment, that Thor could still wish to be his brother, even if he is a monster—Thor is, at his heart, kind—but that would mean Thor is related to frost giants, even if not by blood, and Loki cannot stomach that. He knows Thor is not perfect, and he has a rage inside of him that sometimes seems that it cannot be tempered, but Thor is <i>good.</i></p><p>Loki takes one last look at his red eyes and his blue skin and his monstrous teeth and feels sick. Perhaps what he should do is what Thor would do: hunt them down and slay them all.</p><p>He cannot think of anything more sickening than stealing a child and raising them to hate their home and their race, but perhaps that is what a monster like himself deserves. </p><p>He thinks of Thor, sent to Midgard, and himself, alone on Asgard, and King at last.</p><p>He knows what he must do: he may be a monster, but he does not have to let monsters live. He will slay them all.</p><p>For Thor.</p><p>His heart is heavy but he holds his head high.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>5.</b>
</p><p>Loki fears death; how could he not? He knows he will never be welcome in Valhalla, will never dine with other warriors, will never partake of the endless feast. He knows what awaits him at the end: Hel, and a lot of it.</p><p>But there is one more thing he fears more than death: to live when Thor does not. </p><p>He knows what Thanos sees when he looks at the two of them, two halves of a whole, light and dark, and he knows that Thanos will not let them live. He will kill one of them and suffer the other to live on without them, and Loki cannot live without Thor. He may hate him, he may despise him, he may love him, but there is no Loki if there is no Thor. But Thor is strong, stronger than Loki ever was, and he is certain that Thor will be fine without him. He has died before, after all, and it does not seem that Thor suffered unduly for the loss.</p><p>It is easier this way.</p><p>It does not feel easier when he offers himself up on a sacrificial plate and when Thanos’s great hand begins to tighten around his neck, but he would rather die than be the one who must live on.</p><p>Perhaps he is only Odinson because that means Thor’s brother, but he means it as: if we were to be married, I would vow myself to you and you alone, and I would be your father’s son as well, for you would be all the family I needed. He means it as a vow, as the only gift he can give Thor: <i>I may be a monster, I may be the beast our parents told us horror stories about when we were young, but I loved you best, and I love you enough to do this for you. I love you enough to die in your stead.</i></p><p>He does not look at Thor as he dies. In the end, it is not the lack of air, but the breaking of his neck that kills him, and he is dead before his body hits the ground.</p>
<hr/><hr/><p>
  <b>+1</b>
</p><p>When Thor kills Thanos, he tears Stormbreaker into his chest and then claws his heart out with his hands, roaring in pain and anger as he does. He is wreathed in fury and lightning and thunder and fire and he screams out the storm that cries out in his chest. The Mad Titan is dead and Stormbreaker leaps to Thor’s hand again and he brings his axe down again and again, until Thanos is in pieces. </p><p>He lets out a great sob and stumbles forward, crashing to his knees, and his eyes fall on the heart at his feet. A sudden memory overwhelms him: Thor and Loki in the woods, after Thor killed a goat for his brother, and he remembers offering up the heart and watching Loki take quick, greedy bites of it, blood staining his mouth and chin and running down his hands to stain his sleeves. He thinks about dragging the great horns of that beast and Loki putting them over the fireplace in his bedroom, thinks about his own vague fantasies of fucking his brother underneath those horns, which must now be no more than dust out in the deep, empty dark of space.</p><p>He hears voices but does not listen to them as he wrestles the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos’s dead hand. He was <i>so close</i> to failing, so close to having everything end, and when he pulls the Gauntlet on, it fits him as if it was made for him. Power rockets through him and he staggers, feeling as if his very arm will burn off, as if it will rend itself from his flesh and he will be forever parted from it, but what is an arm? It is nothing compared to him. He is so alone and he has never enjoyed being alone and he thinks that if he does not fix it, he will be alone for the rest of his far too long life, and he cannot bear the thought of it. </p><p>Thor can hear someone calling his name, but grief chokes his chest as he looks out over his friends as they rush towards him. He wonders for a moment, wonders why they are allowed their friends and family when Thor is left with nothing, left with a hole in his heart and an ache in his chest, and then he closes his eyes.</p><p>He pictures his brother. Loki, who he loves best, who he loves most in the world, who is dead and gone from him. Loki, who died so that Thor may live. Loki, who never felt as if he was enough when Thor could have never asked for more. Loki, who always wanted more than he was given and who was never satisfied. Loki, whose loss makes Thor feel as if he will truly go mad and he will not live like this, not for one moment longer.</p><p><i>Bring him back,</i> he tells the Infinity Stones. <i>I want my brother back.</i></p><p>Thor will take Asgard being gone, Odin and Frigga being dead, he will take whatever is given to him, and he will live with it all and happily, as long as Loki is there with him.</p><p>He Snaps.</p><p>The pain is like nothing else he has ever experienced. It lances up his arm, shocks him to his core, shoots out his eyes and mouth, and he screams. It feels as if the lightning in his being is trying to leave him and he will sacrifice it if it means Loki returns to him.</p><p>When he opens his eyes again, he is on his knees, and his arm feels as if it is shattered to pieces. He takes in heaving, gulping gasps of air, desperately searching the frightened, confused faces of his friends, but he does not see the one he seeks. Thor staggers to his feet, swinging his head about wildly, and then he hears his name, said in a slow, mocking tone, the most dearest to him, and he closes his eyes as it washes over him, relief taking flight in his chest.</p><p>“Really?” comes Loki’s sly, smug voice. “Brother, you shouldn’t have.”</p><p>Thor turns again and there is Loki, his mouth curled in a pleased smile, for Thor is master of all of the Infinity Stones and has killed their prior one for his only need in life: Loki.</p><p>He stumbles as he pushes forward and Loki is there to catch him. Thor lets out a great heaving sob and holds his brother close. He doubts he can ever feel whole again if Loki is not in his arms. </p><p>“Loki,” he says, and the word is a prayer inside his mouth, communion on his tongue.</p><p>“Yes,” Loki murmurs, and Thor already knows what he’s going to say. “Only you would be so dramatic about it, you know. I would’ve found a way back.”</p><p>He shakes his head, clutches Loki closer. Behind him, he can see Steve Rogers starting to take slow, careful steps closer to them, a frown upon his face. Thor ignites him, relishes the way Loki feels against him, how Loki does not pull away from him even though there are still dozens of eyes upon them.</p><p>“Well?” Loki says into his ear, and Thor pulls back to look over his face, cups his neck in his hand and tilts his head so Thor can memorize every inch of his face. “I’m not going to say it first,” Loki teases, and Thor kisses the sly smile off his lips. Loki kisses him in return and the press of their mouths feels like a blessing, a cool rain after a hot summer day, as if the Norns have smiled upon him again. Thor shudders and he can feel lightning curl around him and Loki smiles at the feeling. </p><p>When he pulls back, he rips the Gauntlet off and throws it to the ground. His left arm is in agony and it is ruined and blackened and will most likely have to be amputated, but he cares little for an arm. Loki turns with him to the gathered, struck-dumb Avengers circled around them, Thor’s good arm wrapped around his waist, and raises his eyebrows at the lot of them.</p><p>“You might want to keep hold of that Gauntlet,” Loki muses, but his words are light and he looks thoroughly too pleased with himself, “for I believe some of your friends may wish to kill me again.”</p><p>“Let them,” Thor tells them, meeting Steve’s gaze as the Captain stops at the withered and blackened Gauntlet, stooping down to pick it up and turn it over in his hands. “Let them try.”</p><p>When Loki died, it had felt as if all the grief Thor had ever felt in his life had crashed down around him, all at once. But now, when he sees that Loki is alive again, Loki is <i>his</i> again, Thor smiles in return. </p><p>“I think I preferred being the only one between us with two working eyes,” Loki muses, tearing his gaze away from Thor after giving his mutilated arm a pointed look to glance around at the humans beginning to move and talk around them, as they begin to understand that Thor has saved them all. “But I suppose all of this will have to do.”</p><p>Of course. </p><p>Of course it will. Thor will allow for nothing else. He takes Loki’s hand in his one good hand and they are together again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed! please leave comments and kudos and check out my other works</p><p>follow me:<br/>tumblr: @deluxemycroft<br/>twitter: @whenhedied</p></blockquote></div></div>
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